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Face the facts..| | WARNING! What you are about to read may be offensive. If you think you may find some of this material offensive, please leave now.
Here is how this works. I talk and write about what I've been thinking about the last few days. You sit there and read. You get your critical thoughts together.
Part 1. Life as I know it
I'll start off by writing a little bit about myself. Sorta my testimony. I was born in Naples, Florida on April 18th 1988. My mom was never married. And still isn't. I lived in Florida for a few years, but on the exact amount I don't know because I really never cared that much. I've never known my father. I have no idea on what he looks like. There are no pictures of him only a video that was shot at one of my birthdays way back when. I moved to New York and really..Thats about all I remember of that. Don't remember what age I was or for how long. New York is gay anyway. I moved to Tennessee in 1994 and started 1st grade. Second grade is when I found my first and most true best friend. I don't exactly remember the day I was saved. I know I was baptised as a Catholic and sorta grew up in a Catholic church. But Catholic churches suck. Sorry Jesus. From 3rd grade up until 5th grade I don't really remember much. I know I hung out with a few people, but mainly stayed to myself. 6th grade was I guess a break out year. Started to actually get involved with friends and did stuff. Had my brithday party at Nascar Speedpark and I was with the greatest kids that I've ever known. Me, Josh, Luke, Grady, Ben, Jeremy Rule. Those are the only kids I remember and probably were the most important. I hung out with Josh and Luke mainly up until 10th grade. We'd always had classes together. Mr. McCarty's class especially..We got recess maybe once a week. I started drifting off once in high school. Went through a state of depression at one point in time. Not exactly clear on what it was about. More than likely stupid crap going on at home. I think it might have been at the end of my sophmore year when I started hanging out with Zach, Ben and Jake. And the summer before junior year was unforgettable. It was one of the better moments in life because I had no care in the world. Oh, I forgot an important part to the whole high school garbage. I guess it slipped my mind. There was this girl. I'd never known her..Just saw her around. Had a class with her in 9th grade. I always figured she was way out there and wouldn't bother talk to me considering..I really never talked to anyone. This same girl ended up having Mr. Houser's geometry class with me and Josh. I finally grew up and decided to talk to her. I got to know Jessica Garrett towards the end of 10th grade year. I was crazy about her. She was beautiful, intelligent, had an awesome sense of humor..And yeah, she was my real first crush. I used to be scared to talk to her because she always talked to the older people in school and I figured..She's entirely too high on the popularity charts. Then, she left..And I was broken. She moved away to South Carolina. We kept in touch and we got pretty close. I thought, well...Maybe this is something worth waiting for? I mean I had no one really interested in me at the time..I was living the single life..Well besides the Brittaney Vanover mistake. But I won't consider that a "relationship". So I decided to wait for her. She always said she would come back for college here..And she always talked about how her mom missed it here. So I figured there would be a chance she would return. Well..My prayers were answered...Sort of. She did come back. But she "fell in love". I'm not going to get into that story because it isn't my place to tell everything about that. Well, I was devistated to put it in light terms. My heart was shattered into bits. How could this happen? I thought she was into me? We talked about future plans...? What went wrong? Feelings change apparently and you can't help the fact. Case in point...Life sucked at this point. Anyway off the emotional crap. Back to our embarkment on a journey of stupidity of the 1st summer spent at Ben's house. No care in the world..Had cool friends. Was introduced to this awesome church. And thats where I'll start now, because I care not to talk about 12th grade. We'll just leave it at it being the worst year of my life. Southside is an amazing church. I loved going to youth on Wednesday nights. Hung with friends. Listened to Dave Cross preach theWord. I got the priveledge of attending a youth camp. Youth camp was amazing. One of the best times I've had. Titus was an awesome speaker, and I felt my relationship with God grow. And it was life changing to say the least. I realized that I had to start changing. I want to walk with God in Heaven. I don't want to spend eternity hearing the screams of the souls burning from the fires of Hell. I don't want to be one of those trapped souls. My second coming of youth camp was even better. Because a lot more things connected. Sean Sears dropped the bomb on me. Anything I had questioned was answered. Sean's preachings were unbelievable, of course thanks to God. I felt alive. I wanted to do what God wanted me to. I wanted to change my ways and to fufill my duties as a Christian. Guess what though? I've not done anything.. Stupid eh? Jesus Christ died for me and I've not done a freakin thing to honor his commitment and his sacrifice to me. I realized last night how big of a joke I am. That made me mad. How can I be so selfish..? How is it that I say I'm going to change and going to open the Bible and read? My time here on earth is limited....And I'm wasting it. The signs of the rapture are apearing. The return of Jesus is near..And I plan on joining him when he takes the good with him and leave the evil to destroy each other. I will not suffer an eternity of agony. Because I will better my walk with Him.I love Jesus, and I am so thankful that my Real Father looks after me. Enough of this, I'll have time to get right with God. No I won't. Time's up. The time is now. I believe that is all for that part.
Part 2. Friends: The Good, The Bad, and The Ones I'd Like to Kick
If you have any sort of sense, you'll be able to tell what this section is. Another thing I have thought about that has kept me up countless hours at night. In 2nd grade I found the person I knew I could rely on through anything. Who I know would have my back against any opposition and how sucky the times were. Grady Cooper has been my best friend since 2nd grade and I praise God that I've been blessed with such a person. This guy is unbelievable. The purest hearted person I'd ever come in contact with. He's got way more compasion and love then myself, or anyone I know for that matter. I wish I could be the friend to him as he has been to me. I owe him entirely too much. And I'll never be able to repay him or thank him enough for what he's done for me. Another person I would rank up there with Grady being pure hearted would be Nicole Thompson. I've not known her as long, but I feel as if I've known her for all of my life. Nicole isn't your average girl. She loves God. She has never lost faith in the Lord. She has been through tough times but never once lost faith. You don't find that much in women these days. I'm extremely blessed to have someone like her to keep me in line and to remind me that things can happen..And to let them happen. Because it is God's plan..And to always stay faithful. If you do not know Nicole, then it is definatly your loss. I'd also like to recognize the attractiveness of Nicole. Ever since 6th grade, I've made a run with 2 people. The many disciplinary actions taken to keep us in line are countless. Josh Giles and Luke Walker have been my partners in crime. I know I can count on either of these two if I needed help in any way, and they should both know that I'd do the same. We are going to dip into the negative look on this though. Josh takes things too seriously. He has a bad attitude. There was a point in time where I couldn't stand to be around him. He constantly complained and was negative about everything..He'd get in these moods where I swear it was like trying to talk to a woman on her period. I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm the only one who thinks this. I'll mention this now. If you get offensive about all this and feel the need to be jerk about things to me in real life, we'll all know how our friendship is. If you can't take criticism and my thoughts without feeling the need to hate me then that shows you where we stand as friends. Anyway, back to what I was saying. Putting past the grouchy, pissy-mooded Josh..The fun, carefree, and loving Josh is the better to be around. I feel as if he is one in the same when he's not mad. We relate to each other..We understand each other. I consider him family, and if he ever needed something, I'd do my best for him to have it. His family has treated me better than my own at times..I love his family and only wish that mine could be as caring as his. They've given me a place to stay and have put up with me for a while now. My debt to this family is rediculous. I could never thank them or pay them enough. On to Luke. Luke has never turned his back on me. He's always been ready to give me advice or assistance with anything. His family, although very awkward at times, has always cared about me. His mom gives me hugs all the time and asks how I've been. My debt towards them could never be repaid either. I know I've not been the friend to Luke as I should have. I've not talked to him in a while actually, which is kinda sad. He's turned into a hermit now. Which leads me to some negatives about him. Luke gets annoying. I'm sorry to say it, but he does. The voice is what does it. Actually thats really the only annoying thing about him. The high pitched voice and the British accent. Will that change the way I feel about him..Definatly not. Its just something I've grown to live with. On to Ben. Ben Tatham is quiet..But don't let that fool you. Ben is one of the most caring people you'll ever meet. He may not openly say what he feels but if you talk to him about something serious...He'll listen. And actually give a crap. I feel terrible too..I've abused our friendship. I mean I never really stopped to think on how Ben was and what he was feeling at a present time. I just kinda figured that everything was okay since he never really expressed anything. Which reflects on me being a jackass. So to Ben, I am truely sorry for never taking the time to ask you how you felt and to have serious talks with you about anything on your mind. I'd like to add that Doug Tatham is probably the coolest old guy you'll ever come across. Mine and Ben's friendship never really seemed strong though..I've always felt like he's had something against me for some reason. This may or may not be true, but once Ben gets around Zach he changes into a different Ben. A more pissed off, mean spirited Ben. They'd make fun of me for "shits and giggles". Thats cool, up until a point. That hasn't happened in a while, but that was one of my negative things towards him. I made a stupid choice at one point in time on getting mad over a girl who I thought was worth fighting for. To this, I say sorry to Jeramy Webb. I got mad because Jeramy sorta stole Veronica away from me. But that was before I heard his story. He had no idea of mine and Veronica's relationship. Which really wasn't anything. But still, was a very dumb decision on my part to get mad over something that stupid. Again, I apologize for my jealousy and my hatred towards him at the time. I'm glad I gained some sort of sense and realized Jeramy is worth more than anything she could have said or done. Jeramy cares..A lot. He is one person I go to to talk about anything. I trust him and I know I can count on some uplifting advice from him. Lets just face it. Webbsquad is teh leetz0r. Mandi Wells loves Jesus. That = cool. She's dedicated to her Lord and Savior. She is also dedicated to her friends. A combination for excellence. She's helped me through many tough situations and has always backed me and cared what happened to me. She'd always put your problems ahead of her own and she loves to help when she can. And I would drop anything to help her out. Because I love her and can't stand to see her upset. One problem though..She is too clingy, and gets attached entirely too easy. I guess its because she wants to get married at an early age so she wants to find the person she'll be with soon. I'm sorry if that is offensive, but thats how I see it. When I think about Elyse Harvey, I think about her deep affection for God. Elyse is probably the strongest woman I've met. She's been through unimaginable amounts of grief. The hurt and saddness of some things might bring her down, but her faith in the Lord brings her out of the depths. She's been tried by Satan many times but her faith has never been compromised. She cares about her relationship with God and with others. It pains her to see friendships fall apart. She is passionate about her family, her friends, and her God. She is a woman to be treated with the utmost respect. Because when I think about people I admire and would like to be more like...I look to her and her relationship with the Lord. Where there is good, there is also bad..Elyse comes off as a know-it-all. She always has to be right, and she always has to defend what she is saying. Which is good..But also bad. The way she puts things can get kinda mean. I love her none the less and I'm blessed to have you as a friend. To my homies in North Carolina...Brandon Johnson and Jake Ginter. We'll start with Brandon first. A lot of people don't like Brandon. He is rude, immature, disgusting, and inappropriate. Or is he? Most of the people who declare Brandon as a bad person don't take the time to get to know him. That kid has paid for me to do things or for my food or made sure I had a place to stay many many times. He has one of the biggest hearts. When I needed rides, he's never said "Oh you live too far out there and I don't have the gas." He's picked me up at 2AM and never complained a bit. Why? Because he values our friendship. Oh Brandon doesn't believe in God though, I can't talk to him. You are wrong. Brandon believes in God, he just can't find all the things written in the Bible to be true. I understand where he comes from because it is a little far-fetched that 2 of every animal on the entire earth fit into an arc. I was told that the Bible is true and that I should abide by it. And I have no problems with that. But he struggles with it. Instead of saying he is a lost cause, I continue to try and talk to him about it for hope one day that God will speak to him and show him everything he had questioned. For those who think Brandon is a terrible person. Piss off. You don't know the Brandon Johnson I do. And to Jake..I don't know what I can say about Jake. He is very mysterious. You never know what is going through his head. He's quiet in a sense that you don't know his emotions. It's hard to talk about Jake though..I mean we've hung out..Had some serious conversations. But he's really distant. He is a good kid any way you look at it. James Williams is Korean. As in he was born in Korea. Its hard to talk about James, too. I mean I've known him for a good long while. Almost as long as Grady, but he went to a different school way back when. James is an awesome person though. I know I can count on him. He's not the type to say fend for yourself. He's been giving me rides to the gym in West Knoxville lately. He doesn't have to, but does anyway. I'm glad I've been hanging out with him lately. I've not taken the time to actually hang out with him up until now. Mistake on my part. I've left 2 people for last. 2 people who have hurt me the most. 2 people I do love and care about. First off. I played little league football with Zach Piontkowski way back when I was little. We had Biology and Algebra together. Never really hung out until the summer before junior year. Then all of a sudden it was me, Ben, and Zach. I don't even remember how it came about. I'd never really talked to Zach. It was cool though, cause I made an old new friend..I guess..If that makes sense. I never really had a problem with Zach until this year. Again, back to the Veronica situation. First, it starts when he knew I liked her. He seen how we were but he made advances towards her anyway. Now, somewhere along the lines of a friendship, there are values that should be honored. Like, if I like someone, you don't all of a sudden start liking the same person. Zach liked Elyse, and I sorta had a thing for Elyse when he did, but I never tried to put myself between them. I stopped before anything happened because I knew he was into her. I talk to him about it at her birthday and he says that he betrayed me. I give it to him for coming out and saying that. But what did that change? He was going to prom with Elyse and then turned her down because he then said he wasn't going. Which is pretty crappy if you ask me. At the same time me and Veronica were going to prom together. But she kept up her ways of still flirting with other people...I.E. Zach and Jeramy. I ended up saying a few choice words about her and she got mad about it. I don't blame her..But can you blame me? Well we talk about it a few times and she pulls me to the side one night after church. She apologizes and I apologize and all this other garbage but then says..Oh well I'm going to prom with Zach now. I look at her with the intent to kill. How could they do that? She didn't value anything but everyone can tell that about her now. But Zach..Someone who was my friend..Valued nothing. Was in it for himself. I look back it now and see how stupid it was. Because, in that happening, I got to go with the wonderful Elyse instead. What also makes me mad is how he acts. The, I'm dedicated to full time ministry, but I'm not going to step up and take action towards it yet. I admire the fact that at such a young age, Zach dedicated himself to ministry, but I think if you are going to dedicate yourself to Christ and preaching His word that you'd have to act the part. The whole drunkeness at Ben's house for his birthday. That was a while ago and I know he's changed since. But I don't know how much. All bitterness aside, I've spent some of the best times with him. He's given me a ton of advice on things and I do thank him for that. He's been a great friend at times. I know he has good intentions and a caring heart. I do not care about what happened in the past, because that is where it will stay. God has already forgiven me for every sin I'll ever commit and so I shall forgive anything thats happened between us. You are probably tired of reading..If you made it this far down, but this is it. Remember that one girl I was crazy about? I've been in love with Jessica Garrett since 10th grade. It started as a simple crush but it turned into much more than that. I don't even know where to start. I wish she would stop and realize how much I really do love her. I went the last 2 years of high school hoping that she'd notice it. I would give anything for her to be happy. I'd trade my happiness for her sorrow any day of the week. Because the satisfaction I get knowing that she is happy and that she doesn't have a care in the world and that nothing is wrong is one of the best feelings I've ever felt. To see her smile and happy means the world to me. I wouldn't trade anything for the time spent with her. She made me happy..Now its like she doesn't even care. It feels like she's just taken me for granted. One moment she'll act like she wants to be with me or is comfortable being around me...The next she is flirting with someone while I'm there the entire time. She knows how I feel about her. We've talked about it many times. She continues to do the same thing over again. And the response usually is "I don't know why I do what I do", or "I'm sorry". She said she wants to get her relationship with God right before she dates or something like that. It's not place to say but I don't think she has done much of anything to get her walk right. I may be wrong, but this is just what I see. I don't really talk to her much anymore. Partially my fault, I believe I made her mad the other day. I'm still crazy about this lady, don't get me wrong. She's just made me feel worthless with some of her actions, intentional or not. My love for her will never burn out and I still think she is the most beautiful woman I've ever met. I just pray that God works through her..And shows her what she needs to be doing to make her walk right with Him. I love her.
Part 3. The Conclusion
Again, if you find this offensive and you feel the need to not talk to me because I hurt your feelings, then that shows where our friendship stands. I'm sorry you can't take criticism. By no means am I perfect. "Kyle, you are such a hypocrit. All this talk about God. I don't see you doing anything". Just incase any of you were thinking that. I know I haven't done anything. But I'm going to make the change and step up and be the man of God I need to be. Maybe someone got something out of this? Maybe not. I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings. Feel free to leave me hateful comments or write about me. I want to know what you think of me. This is probably my final post. I love everyone that I wrote about and will continue to do so. God Bless.
-Kyle
| | | Posted 7/24/2006 4:50 AM - 34 Views - 16 eProps - 13 comments
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